November 14, 2012 – The day before my D & C, my mind was pondering the surgery and how much I missed my babies. I knew that their souls were not here anymore and had not been for some time now, but I missed them terribly. Just knowing that I was still carrying them provided comfort and made me feel close to them. I was also deeply fearful, not because of what would happen to me, but because of the destructive operation on my babies’ bodies and the home they once shared. I was tormented with the thought of anything hurting the bodies that my babies once lived in. The D & C marked the end of my pregnancy. It finalized everything that had to do with my twins, and with that came more emotions than I thought were possible.
“We asked God for a baby, instead he gave us an Angel.” -Unknown
November 15, 2012, 9:00 A.M. - As I was lying in my hospital bed looking towards heaven thinking about my babies, I could not bring myself to watch TV or do anything, since it was the last few moments I had with them before my pregnancy was “over.” I recalled the brief few months I had with them, remembering my elation the day I found out about them. I thought about all the cravings I experienced. When I would lie in bed at night, I would feel the babies in my stomach when I turned on my side. I reminisced about the weekend we went to Tennessee to surprise, and I mean completely surprise our parents about being pregnant. They were overcome with joy and in complete shock that they were going to be grandparents. That weekend represented the most perfect and exciting two days of our married life. Lastly, I imagined them up in heaven playing around and God coming up behind them and scooping them up in his arms. He put them one on each knee to share with them what was about to happen to me.
I lay there for about an hour before anyone came in to do my pre-op. Thankfully, a caring and compassionate nurse came in to prepare me for surgery. She cried and talked with me about my babies, and I will never forget her or her kindness. I was in for a bit of a wait. My surgery was scheduled for 10:30 A.M. and did not get started until close to noon.
“An angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as he closed the book, Too beautiful for Earth.”
After the procedure, I was transported to a recovery room, and all I could do was cry because of both the anesthesia and the emotion of it all. A few hours passed, but we never saw the surgeon once the operation concluded. Unfortunately, she never took the time to discuss the surgery. It felt like old times all over again with this OBGYN group. Thankfully, I will not ever have to see or deal with these people again. At around 3:30 p.M., I was officially discharged. Now all that remained of my pregnancy was the ultrasound pictures of my babies and the memory of the 6.5 weeks I had with them. I don’t believe in fortunes, but how ironic that the fortune cookie from my birthday contained the number “25,” the date of the first ultrasound, and “15,” the date of my D & C. Other numbers were “16,” which is the day of my birthday along with “32,” which is the age I turned this year.
The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God. ~Quoted in The Angels’ Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994
Some time has passed since the procedure, and I have felt very empty and alone. While I was not lonely by any means, I continued to grieve the loss of my babies. I never knew you could love something so much you have never seen. It has been very difficult to pick up the pieces of my life before my pregnancy ended, but I know in time, it will get easier.
Looking back on everything, I truly feel the dream I had prior to the first ultrasound was God foreshadowing what was to come. At the start of my dream, Chris and I were elated, walking hand-in-hand. This symbolized the wrong doctor’s office location we arrived at on October 25th, the place where we thought we were going to hear our babies heartbeat.
When we arrived at the second location, that is where the euphoria quickly dissolved, which signified us in the middle of the ocean. In the dream, Chris represented one baby, and I was the other. The one raft and one window was the one sac that my babies shared in the womb. The tsunami waves symbolized the blood, which was in the sac that was seen at the first ultrasound. At the end of the dream, Chris mouthed, “I love you” before the waves engulfed us. In my heart, I felt it was my precious babies telling me they loved me before they went home.
Throughout this entire ordeal, my emotions have been off the charts. However, my most difficult moments occurred prior to receiving the call about my hCG numbers. I knew in my heart that both had passed, even before I was given the official word. I cried hysterically and had lost all hope that we were going to hear heartbeats at the next ultrasound. In addition, I shared my dream with my good friend, and she confirmed I was mourning their loss even before we knew they had passed.
“Love knows not it’s own depth until the time of separation.” -Unknown
Even though we did not know if they were boys or girls, we felt they deserved to be named. They did exist, even if it was a short period of time. We named our baby who lived 6 weeks and 5 days Angel, and the one who lived 6 weeks and 1 day Joy. We decided on those names because they are our guardian angels now, and they brought us complete joy for the 6.5 weeks they were here with us. I will never forget the short yet incredible time I spent with Angel and Joy. I thank God for allowing me to be their Mom.
“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” -John 16:22